Telling her how I truly feel was difficult at first. In fact, it was intensely difficult. I thought she would run for the hills over there and far, far away.
When I finally did tell her it was an intense relief. It just felt so good to finally say: "I love you."
The last time I was in love was such a long time ago. Before, that I was infatuated with an anorexic lady. Both are intense feelings. With that said, infatuation is easy to recognize and never grows or have an intensity to it.
After being in love once, I became so jaded. Never believing in it again. Becoming one of those cranky old men in a rocking chair on a porch. Muttering to myself: "I'll never fall in love, again..." That has changed now.
I gave her hints only I could possibly know. The signs weren't that obvious. With our intense Tuesday car conversation, I just felt so sick to my stomach. Part of my big hint(s) was the note I wrote utilizing their name at the beginning of each paragraph, and telling her I really care about her.
Driving back something she said kept repeating in my head. Well I would I said to myself in the car. I would. No second thoughts about it. So I sent a text telling her what I would do.
The next day a series of messages unraveled. I felt a hell of a lot better now that it was out in the open. I told her how I felt over voice mail, as texting three words would be cheap and the easy way out. I just could not wait until I saw her again to say: "I love you."
What I should have done is tell her the previous night with the intense stomach turning conversation. However, I was so numb and dejected that night.
It grew from her feelings for me that I never knew she felt, the way she made me feel when I was with her and when I saw her again after a few months away in exile. Let me remind you the exile was my fault.
When we went out last night, as I described how shitty I felt for not being a good enough boyfriend to her. I got choked up for a bit. I have no idea if she saw it or noticed my eyes briefly watering up. Nothing flowed because my body naturally will tell me: "you ain't going down that watery road, boy."
There is always exceptions to that of course. I know one example where it will be instantaneous. It is a positive road too, I might say kind lady.
I told her with eye contact across the table. Man did it feel good. It felt like fireworks in my body as I said it.
I'll have a weird smirk on my face, as I look at her, then I will look briefly away as I laugh. She thought it was just myself having some weird laugh. It is a natural happiness showcasing on my face, and an attempt to hide it, and that attempt not working; because I am the luckiest man having such a beautiful (inside and outside) lady sitting across from me, that inspires me, cares about me and makes me feel things I thought would never return to my cold cold black plaque filled heart.
Modifying a John Lennon song's lyrics: "Whatever fate decrees [I] will see it through for [my] love is true."
As she sat there across the table from me in her grunge / indie / hip / chic outfit "Myth" by Beach House came on, I got lost her beautiful eyes, and everything was fine in the world in that instance. There was no where in the world I rather be and no other women that could make me feel what I feel.
The once cold heart being completely thawed, and bright red; in place of the bleak blackness that once occupied its domain.
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