I hate weddings

When I think of weddings I believe they're truly "fantastic."

That was sarcasm if you didn't get the quotes. I am going to reflect on what I have personally noticed about weddings and the photos that accompany them (especially the ones I see on facebook), so sit right back in your chair and be prepared to be offended.

This message again is not for the bleeding-hearts or ultra-conservatives that will be sitting by their computer thinking of a response to say, that I will likely censor like those bastard Soviets back in the those insane Cold War days.



When I see a typical wedding and their photos I cringe. Now why is that?

Well have you noticed the amount of makeup that is applied to some ladies? It is terrible. Now by no means am I a makeup expert. I didn't go to school for it, I'm just someone with an opinion. In fact, not to degrade prostitutes but they do a better job putting on makeup than the a lot of women at a wedding, seriously!

If you're pale as Casper I recommend laying off the crimson lipstick. Some ladies can pull that ravishing look off, but, you likely can't so save it for a rainy day honey.

Now lest we forget the hair. A big fuss is made out of having the perfect hairdo. To be honest it looks like I have been transported back to 1950 and I am surrounded by a bunch of crazy racist / homophobic crackers with their beehive hairstyles. I want my hair done up to look real nice is the typical bride thing to say probably. Does my hair look wonderful ladies? The answer is no; it is as terrible as the earthquake in San Francisco of 1906 (No I wasn't going to put a Haiti reference there, nice try).

Next you have the terrible photographs to mark your special day of looking like a two dollar whore from Bourbon Street. Then you post such photos perhaps on facebook expecting comments that will boost your ego. Oh my god Jessica you look so beautiful, congratulations on your wedding day, your creepy co-worker will comment on your photo.

Now you might be saying? Oi you sound a bit sexist here, you're a misogynist bastard. I assure you I am not. We have forgotten the key ingredient the douche bag groom! Sorry gays and lesbians for not recognizing you in this. I swear I am not homophobic. I just have never been to a lesbian / gay wedding. I assume they are really nice.

The typical groom shots will be doing manly posses looking tough in your rent-a-tux with your best man and groomsmen. Oh man your short groomed conservative haircut looks totally awesome. It doesn't look like Stevie Wonder just cut and buzzed your head at all. Point your fingers at that camera boys, cause you guys look tough.

The ceremony begins and the awesome (I am serious here) Pachelbel's Canon in D begins to play. Hopefully with three violins and not a lame organ. That song seriously gives me faith in whatever it is we call humanity. Back to the rant. The bride is making her way down the aisle with a veil that is acceptable to people in this context, but, hey for religious purposes let's get all angry and claim it is suppressive. No it is suppressive to claim that everyone wearing a veil should unveil because it is a form of oppression. Your future wife is making it to you the groom and then you have a pussy twinkle in your eye or you start crying with her as you two make awkward eye contact like you've never seen each other before. Oh that day of not seeing each other was an eternity. Stop the presses this is a major story.

So you're ready to exchange vows and now the pussy groom that you're going to call your future husband is crying. Come on buddy, really? Crying? What are you crying for? It's not like you've seen people get slaughtered with machetes in Rwanda. Grow a pair of balls you pussy. Until you have seen what humanity is capable of, I don't think crying at a wedding is the right context for these emotions if you're a man. I hardly cry myself. In fact at a wedding if I ever were to get married in this elaborate bloated way, I would be stone-faced and dead in the inside like one of those London guards. If your future husband is crying likely he will be messing up his vows, I mean it's not like you haven't had a couple months to memorize this shit buddy. Stop stuttering and remember your hooked on phonics. Keep to the script, it's not hard. This isn't the time to improvise, unless you're going to admit you're an idiot because you can't keep your emotions in check and make a simple run through some basic vows that you either made yourself or are using the ones provided for your sorry ass.

Music? Right everyone loves music. I hate typical wedding music. The YMCA by the Village People is typically played, Macarena, Chicken Dance, et cetera. Anything, that is the typical communal dance floor makes me sick. Oh great a Conga line, I think I am going to go waterboard myself in the urinal and afterwards maybe I will find the coat check and asphyxiate myself with my lucky belt, instead of seeing a bunch of assholes "bust a move." I wonder how often people play White Wedding by Billy Idol at a wedding? it seems not very often.

You might be saying to yourself as you look at this text: "Oh that dude, he is such a fuddy duddy," perhaps you're right. I am tired out so I am finishing this here...

Post Script: I haven't spell checked or gone over this yet. So yes errors are likely present congratulations if you spot some.