Words Of Hate

It took me a while but I got to a place where I could accept things.

My friends have been above and beyond great. I was hanging out with them going places. Talking to my one pal whose boyfriend just broke up with him, and he was like forget her bro.

I had strangers say on my Guns N' Roses forum I hope you get her back dude, after I posted about Detroit a while ago.

I had a harsh sister saying look she clearly did this and that and is fucking that guy. You don't move on that easy if it ain't someone.

Some were saying that's harsh.

Others saying don't do that. DO NOT BUY HER A PHONE, DO NOT ASK HER TO MARRY YOU. I didn't buy her the phone. I did do the proposal over a phone. The words I wrote down came from within, and it felt right. I have no regrets about those things.

In that period I never fell on my sword.

When I leaned in and got swiftly rejected on her birthday, it brought the world of hurt down. It might have been worse than the "I don't love you anymore."

I was a mess. Sobbing and pathetic. Feeling sorry for myself.

A war of texts ensued.

Then the call. Upon hearing that voice it all went away. The pain the hurt. It soothed me. It got me home. I sang a song to her, and sent one final text. I said I'd contact her on the 31st to mark that special day. Good night. That was all.

In that time period I was able to resolve things within myself. I didn't hate you / her. I just felt yeah that is bullshit. I didn't dwell. I was a self empowered Oprah listener. I deserve better treatment than that. At a little junction I regretted the effort I put in to say change your mind. However, not doing that effort, not going to the edge, not doing what I felt was morally right to my principles would be something I would regret. Regret is worse than anything. Not being true to who I am is something I could not live with.

At no point did I harass or do anything creepy. That is in the back of my mind. After seeing texts she showed me on reddit of creepy bfs / gfs.

In those two weeks of no communication. I resolved what needed to be resolved.

During the initial few days I missed my best friend though and I missed the love. But, I had to resolve that I had to say look you've done everything you can. And you have to accept that time changes things. And it is gone. She is gone and is not coming back as my sister told me.

I saw this New Years lady again and I had inquired about her during the third week of the breakup. To my friend. Needless to say I got her number and was on top of the world. But, she has a boyfriend ha. So there was that. I still had it. I could get a number. Maybe, she was feeling sorry for Grandpa, but I had the confidence to say "Hey, let's get a drink!" I should have realized I'm seeing someone means they have a bf, but to me that said just dating. It didn't work out, but, I didn't go psycho. She would see me around at my friends and I said I'd still be flirting with her. Nothing further.

On Thursday, I made a call. Blocked my number. What was I doing? She didn't bother to contact you. Ugh, you're dumb. You're over her yet calling her why? Is this a roast? Why roast someone? Or do you want to say a bunch of mean things and make her hate you? You want that don't you. Make her never contact you again.

She picked up. It was civil for a bit. Then yours truly went bad bad leroy brown. Some not so nice things were said. None of those hurtful words rang true. I was truly ugly then and there.

UGLY.

UGLY.

Look at yourself, you had loved this woman with all your heart and you're saying such ugly things, you're a real piece of work. At what cost? At what cost? So in the odd chance you see her out in the world she will never talk to you and you'll go down as a UGLY mean asshole.

Why say those things. You know you don't mean it. Make it right. Make it right.

You're a man... You claim to be, make it right. You've done so well and have come far, and to just do that? Come on dude.

We would rendezvous. And spend a bit of time together. At times I felt they weren't into the time spent after the words I said but, rightfully so. It didn't feel that wrong. It felt good. I could separate it.

At no junction or time was I like, "yep, we are getting back together." That would be a foolish thought to think and entertain. I had accepted two weeks ago the odds were not in my favour and that I would not and could not be the catalyst to put it in motion. It would have to come from her. And even then, would I want to? After what happened? I never rule anything out and I firmly believe in doing stuff 50 / 50. But, after we broke up I was like 90 / 10. So you can't have that. It overwhelms a person and really.

It did pain me my words hurt you. I am sorry.

It was a good reunion, and maybe more are in store.

I got excited to have my best friend back on Friday, and sent her too many messages. Bored at work and looking to talk to someone cause I was lonely.

When the negotiations of whether to meet were going on last night. I could joke about using her words, that just cause we are meeting doesn't mean we're getting back together. If you asked me two weeks ago, that would not have been possible.

No lie was told when we chatted. I can for sure do what happened Thursday and separate it. At no junction since then did I think yeah, the band is getting back together man: "AXL & SLASH BFF'S FOR LIFE! REUNION YEAH!"

So here is what I do know. Words of hate are really words of love. Meaning the things one says in hate is because they still love you in a way. I was truthful, and honest. I'm over it. Like I said. A part of me will always love you, and want to marry you, have children with you. BUT! That part of me has been in a induced coma, and it remains there. It has been there since that Thursday two weeks ago, & that part of me is not looking to wake up, but, if it were to ever it would because of the doctor [You] attempting to revive bodily and mental functions.

I'm happy where I am right now, of course some days are going to be like the shit on the floor at the movie theatres and others will be like round 1 knock out punch.

Let's just see where this weird friendship reunion takes us, the ball is now in your court, thanks Hayley.