What is my next move? One of the questions that wanders through my head.
Why am I up at 4 am?
I firmly believe in living in the moment. You just have to.
On this matter I am about to discuss I did take my time, Axl Rose styles.
When I am into someone I am into them. There are no half measures or doubt. If I like her, I do. However, one doesn't want to come off too strong and forward I am aware of that. I just don't play with my feelings. I can't force myself to like someone.
The feeling has returned after a year's absence and let me tell you wow. I am nervous as hell, yet my confidence is at a decent level.
The moment I saw her I was intrigued. This was back in July of 2011, when I started working at this job. I slowly found information about her. From the end of November and December when I returned to the place where we both worked, I was going to just ask her out.
I was intimidated to say the least. On the day I should have done it in order to honor someone I didn't. That let me down big time.
Was my mind on her the whole time? No. However, asking her out was one of my goals of 2011.
I was informed last week I would be going out for drinks with my pal, her and another lady.
Needless to say this is my equivalent of the Super Bowl. The stakes are high.
My one friend once described my mantra in a certain thing as always swinging for the fences. I like that comparison he made. It sort of is my life motto. Sooner or later you're going to land one out of the park.
Thursday I got done work thanks to doing a lot of cardio.
We rendezvoused at a bar on Locke Street. My pal let's call him Harrison (While my guitar gently weeps). We were paying for parking when she came strolling up, just as intimidating as at work, the attitude is definitely one thing that attracts me to her. Her name is going to be Maria (A song with the male version of her name just might be her actual name covered by Blondie). The other lady's name shall be Rhonda (They sang this about her name).
As we sat down Harrison blocked his side so Maria would now have to sit by me. We talked about work a little bit and waiting for Rhonda. She was apparently on antibiotics, didn't know if she was going to drink with us.
With her arrival brought more beer. I was still milking my first. The conversation flew decently. Where I was able to make both ladies and Harrison laugh.
Maria was concerned about getting back at 8:30 pm for her kids. Oh yeah she has two kids.
She was concerned about leaving her van on the road. So Harrison suggested I drive her back and reached under the table to give me a condom. Maria asked if I was ok to drive and Rhonda backed my alertness up. I wasn't sloshed. Then Maria took my drink and poured it in her's saying you can't drink this anymore.
Then she took her beer glass and put it into her pants and we departed.
What did I get myself into? That question was never raised in my head. I didn't agree to do this because I wanted some action either. Even though I did take the condom.
On the drive back we had some decent conversation. She was talking about her ex and I gave some insight. A mention of action shouldn't be expected, and I believe I said I don't expect anything and that it is fine. There was a couple of bump it and explode fist bumps.
Backing into her garage was tight. My first attempt wasn't that great.
Then her ex husband with kids in tow showed up. Maria told them to go in the house and if I couldn't get it in that she would do it. I thought to myself there is no fucking way I am not getting this van in the garage. Especially with her ex prick husband watching. Defeat is not an option. I got it in. As I exited the vehicle with pride the ex. didn't even give a casual hi.
I thought wow what a balding douche.
We entered her house and I was led to the basement. I asked her where the washrooms were and she showed me. Then was looking for a toothbrush and paste for me. She had to put her kids to bed as I sat on the bed. What did I just get myself into? That again did not cross my mind.
Then one of the kids came downstairs to spy on me. Now that was awkward. I didn't really know the protocol. Does one say hi? My motto is let the parent introduce me. So I just continued reading my phone not paying attention that someone was spying on me.
Maria came back downstairs. To give me a toothbrush. She said she would be back.
When she returned, we went on the hunt for tooth paste, as she bent over I saw her underwear. And I said nice granny panties. She insisted they weren't and showed me her boy shorts, I returned the favor showing mine so we were even.
Back upstairs again.
And then she returned as she turned off the lights. I was like what the hell is going on. We had some small talk. Clearly she had more to drink than myself. I wasn't going to make any moves unless she did the first.
Some talking, I found out her favourite band was the Cult. She mentioned how Ian Astbury lived in Hamilton briefly, I mentioned I read a Rolling Stone article on that and did my fake British accent impersonating him and his love affair with Native American culture (Nothing wrong with that either). That drew some laughs.
I asked her what time she had to get up and she said 5:45 am. I set my iPhone alarm. She said she would get me up after her kids were taken to the babysitter.
A little footsies action and that was about it. She started snoring. I texted a bunch of my friends on what to do.
My morality came into play. I did not feel right making any first move as she had way more to drink than me.
However, she did lay down on a bed by me. My heart was racing. Not being cliche here either. It literally was. Here I am in bed with a person I didn't have the nerve to ask out a while ago. I got up at 11pm and went to the washroom. On the way back I ran into some metal object and it drew a laugh from her. When I got into bed my arm landed on her thigh and I just kept it there. There was some movement from her end a couple times, that was repeated when she was turned on the other side of me earlier. I thought was she masturbating? I have no idea. What is going on here. But now my hand rested on her thigh and it wasn't on purpose. My hand moved up and down a bit and then I was like ok she is up but not making me stop yet not reciprocating. I drew that line in the sand. It has always been my believe. Never take advantage of someone.
My heart was beating fast still. I fell asleep. And woke up at 4am to find she was gone. As my hand stretched out.
Understandable I thought, she can't be found by her kids in bed with some man.
I woke up at 5:45am. Then made the bed and rested on top of it. Oh and I found her phone at the other side of the bed. So I knew it wasn't just a dream. I left it there.
If anytime I felt awkward out was now. The Waiting as Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers sang is the hardest part.
Around 6:45 am the spy kid returned. I thought wow now this is awkward. It is not like I am shagging your Mom, I do have a thing for her though.
Maria returned to tell me she was going to drop off the kids and come back for me. I gave her the Blackberry back, telling her I found it when I made the bed.
That took her a while and she returned in a flustered mood. As we raced up the stairs and she commented on how she is late now. Also about her one daughter's meltdown.
As we went in her mother's car. She described how her one kid had a meltdown and was chasing some car apparently and how it was inopportune for her to have such meltdown. The child that had this meltdown was in fact the one that spied on me twice.
Also her Blackberry was messed up and asked me if I knew anything about them. I said I have an iPhone and used to have a Blackberry. Here would have been the opportunity to get her number and help her with the phone. Instead I told her Harrison has one and she said he is useless his brother works for Blackberry and he doesn't know anything.
Maria went on how she couldn't remember what happened after she left the bar and that she blacked out. So since I have an amazing memory I refreshed her on all what went down in detail. More so than this blog. I did leave some things out in here obviously. I did joke and say she tried to make out with me and take advantage of me.
Then she mentioned how Harrison and Rhonda will end up bugging her about what happened. I said look nothing went down. I wasn't going to take advantage of you.
She was like I don't do this normally. Perhaps it was that Catholic guilt, oh yeah I found out she was Catholic on the drive back to her place the previous evening. I made a comment on how she shouldn't feel guilty having a little fun.
As we drove on she contemplated phoning in sick. I told her I can walk to my sister's place and what not when we get to work. She mentioned how I could use her car.
Harrison called me during this and said what up play boy. And I mentioned how we were driving. He then asked me if I was getting road head, I mentioned how I wasn't getting road head. Maria heard me say this clearly and it took her a few seconds to clue in and she laughed at this, I told him how nothing happened.
However, I don't ever believe in receiving help from anyone. I like going it alone, walking into town getting what I want and leaving. Keeping my independence.
We drove on.
Her concern about being late grew. Not to mention her stress from one of her child's meltdowns. She asked me to text Harrison to put stuff on her desk so it looks like she was there. No reply. I mentioned how he was a bad texter. Her concern grew. I said I would call him to confirm. As he answered and confirmed he got it, a little stress was taken off of her.
Some how I found a way to compliment her. She was expressing her attitude. I mentioned how that this is what I like. Saying: "Some women you know are all unsure of themselves and don't display much attitude, and you're not afraid to express yourself. I like that." Maria replied are you joking with me? There was the confidence thing I spotted. I told her yes I am serious it is definitely a great quality.
Then I believe I made another compliment on how I found her attractive.
Two was enough I thought.
One on her personality and one on her looks.
As we reached work she stopped and asked again if I wanted the car. I told her no, but I do want her number as I did drive her home. She said she would talk to me later as she smiled and I told her leave her number at our station and she drove into work. I thought that is good. (I did ask her for it when she was blacked out drunk last night though.)
So as I got out of the car. I felt pretty awesome. It is all out in the open. She clearly knows I am into her. A weight was lifted in my world. I finally seized the moment.
When I got to work at 9 am she was gone. The number thing was fine, I mean I blurted it out late.
I don't believe I came on too strong, I wasn't overtly complimentary. I only made two remarks.
Let me tell you working while hung over is not fun.
As I was getting ready to leave work. I left her a note. I made two drafts. I thought do I do this? It sounds stupid.
I mentioned: Hey Maria, It is James. So I want to fulfill my 2011 goal and that was to ask you to coffee so I could get to know you. I didn't then I was too chicken. Anyhow here is my cellular number 905-484-####. Sincerely, James. I had an arrow after my name and on the back I wrote a joke Grade 5 called they want my note back.
I don't know where this goes from here. I was uber happy at work. I mean I didn't even get laid or had any action. Yet I truly had a radiant smile on my face and just felt awesome. I had some "Older Chap" that always talks to me and Harrison, "Asking me what it was like to be with an older women?" Oh yeah she is 40, but she doesn't look her age in the least and that doesn't bug me. I smiled and said: "Nothing happened." This went on for a couple of times. Even if something did happen, I wouldn't say so as I am very protective of my personal life.
As the day progressed I reverted into a Brian Wilson like downer stage and I felt like throwing up. I thought by now she got my note and yet no text.
However, she does have kids and was uber stressed out, the next day, so clearly I shouldn't expect a response right away.
When I got back to my job later in the day. I saw in the garbage my draft note I made and I was hoping she didn't read that draft. I did write two drafts. One was a little more detailed and I threw it another trash can. So she clearly took the note good sign.
During work I got a call from a newspaper, that my letter to the editor was going to be published. I was pumped about that. My confidence was at a high.
Since my expectations are of the great nature I felt a bit let down by not getting a simply text. However the phone is messed up.
Harrison called me and we chatted. I said I don't get if she is interested. He told me that we as in the three of them would keep going out and she was a tough person to get to know.
So this is where I am at.
It felt great having a interesting night with this woman, the morning was one of my happiest at work even with the hang over. Then the call from the Hamilton Spectator about my letter. This Sunday the Beach Boys will be reuniting at the Grammys, minus of course no Dennis Wilson or Carl Wilson. This week is pretty solid.
I just wish I could try and sit back and not analyze this situation so much.
If you were to ask me in June of 2011m if I would date someone with children the answer would likely be a no! Maybe my niece has warmed me up to the idea. Or the whole maturity thing.
I don't know how this will pan out. If it doesn't fair well I can see myself reverting into a shell and going silent or giving terse answers at work along the lines of a Bill Belichick style.
To conclude, I put myself out there and the burden has been lifted. It was like opening a birthday gift and it is the one thing you wanted or having some kind of inner peace or being one with the universe or just a sense of accomplishment. The feeling of being naked and exposed comes to mind as well. I am proud one of my 2011 goals is complete.
Right now it seems to be halftime and I am up by a touchdown with plenty of time to go.
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